Gender non-conformity has captured the attention of the American public. On one hand, I've taken a lot of comfort in this. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, and that there are a lot of supportive people in the world. On the other hand, it scares the hell out of me. The media attention has shined a light on a lot of hatred, bigotry and violence, as well as a lot of hurtful sarcasm and jokes.
All bigotry aside, this is a pretty god damned confusing issue to deal with in and of itself. Thousands of years of gender roles and stereotypes can do that to you. In my case, this mental salad has a few extra croutons that are tough to swallow - social anxiety, ADHD and a handful of issues on the autism spectrum. Fun, huh? Well, it is what it is.
So, here's the deal: I know in my heart that I am a woman, but that's just not going to work out for me. I'm in my mid 30's. My face and my body are not exactly the template of femininity, and I have a hard enough time leaving the house some days in a black t-shirt and jeans (let alone a sundress) without making every social interaction awkward. I just don't have the tools to deal with being stared at, laughed at, or worse. I'm also not doing any Scrooge McDuck impersonations in the personal finance department, and hormones and surgery aren't cheap.
Frankly, I just don't have the energy to put my gender into my appearance. I've had periods in my life when I didn't leave the house for weeks at a time. It's taken me years of effort to get over those days and settle in to a life that I'm proud of. I still don't go out much, but I went back to college, earned my degree and establish myself in my career that I find fulfilling. I'm also married to the greatest woman in the world who is totally supportive of everything, including my gender identity. In short, I'm very happy with life, and in the immortal words of Dante Hicks, "I can't make changes in my life like that. If l could, l would. but l don't have the ability to risk the comfortable situations on the big money and the fabulous prizes."
This circles back to the spotlight that the media has put on the transgender community. While most of what I have heard and read from within the feminist and LGBT community has been enlightening and supportive, I've encountered some intolerance from people who feel that because I am not in a state of dysphoria, I can't possibly be trans. My gender has been eating away at mind and my heart since I was four years old playing records and coloring on my bedroom floor, but according to some, because I've managed to piece together a happy life without total dysphoria, it must not be valid. I have a lot of anxiety about comments like these, and it has kept me away from being a part of the community. A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.
Bottom line is this: I am female, but I worked very hard on earning my happiness and building a life that I can be proud of. If you ever see me out in the world, you would probably never know that I'm female, but so what? There's a lot of things about me that you wouldn't know if you met me on the street. My gender just happens to be one of them. If you were to get to know me better and we grew close as friends, you would learn a lot more about me, and my gender may be one of those things. Then again, I might just bore you to death with Sliders/Star Wars crossover fan fiction.
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"Join the Dark Side, you blithering idiot."
- Darth Arturo |
- L.S.
